Monday, December 7, 2015

in fear, a poem

i am scared

that’s not new
I’m always scared

every decision I make comes from a place of fear-
what will people think?
what will be safest?
will the people I love be treated differently because of this decision?

I don’t make choices for me
I don’t choose me

I want to
I want to choose you
for me
I want to crawl inside of you and hold you until the hurt is gone
I want to know you
I want to see that sneaky smile and watch your eyes twinkle
I want you

but I’m not ready
I’m not ready for you
I’m not even ready for me
I am a mess
you deserve much more than a mess

I want to bring you the best me
but I’m in pieces
the slightest breeze will blow me away
I am terrified

I want to show you that I’m strong
I want to be strong

I hurt you
I was careless
I didn’t think
I was making up fairy tales in my mind
where knights and maidens meet
and everyone is perfect
and happy
but I’m flawed
so very very flawed
and I can’t get past my failings
to tell you

I’m sorry

I’m sorry I hurt you
I’m sorry I wasn’t ready for you
I’m sorry I couldn’t be
because I really wanted to be

even now I’m scared
to tell you
that I want you
that I don’t care what people will think
that some risks are worth taking
that you could be the best risk I ever took
that you ignite me

even now when I doubt there is anything left to lose
I still can’t tell you
because I care what you will think
I don’t want to hurt you
and I don’t want you to hurt me

I’m still scared

and this fear is killing me

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