in fear, a poem

i am scared

that’s not new

I’m always scared

every decision I make comes from a place of fear-

what will people think?

what will be safest?

will the people I love be treated differently because of this decision?

I don’t make choices for me

I don’t choose me

I want to

I want to choose you

for me

I want to crawl inside of you and hold you until the hurt is gone

I want to know you

I want to see that sneaky smile and watch your eyes twinkle

I want you

but I’m not ready

I’m not ready for you

I’m not even ready for me

I am a mess

you deserve much more than a mess

I want to bring you the best me

but I’m in pieces

the slightest breeze will blow me away

I am terrified

I want to show you that I’m strong

I want to be strong

I hurt you

I was careless

I didn’t think

I was making up fairy tales in my mind

where knights and maidens meet

and everyone is perfect

and happy

but I’m flawed

so very very flawed

and I can’t get past my failings

to tell you

I’m sorry

I’m sorry I hurt you

I’m sorry I wasn’t ready for you

I’m sorry I couldn’t be

because I really wanted to be

even now I’m scared

to tell you

that I want you

that I don’t care what people will think

that some risks are worth taking

that you could be the best risk I ever took

that you ignite me

even now when I doubt there is anything left to lose

I still can’t tell you

because I care what you will think

I don’t want to hurt you

and I don’t want you to hurt me

I’m still scared

and this fear is killing me