Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Year

I am walking into this new year and greeting it like a new lover.  
I am nervous, a little apprehensive, and so excited.
My fingers are trembling upon the buttons of my shirt.  
I want you to see me, to touch me, to start.  
I don’t know what you will think when you see me, but I want you to see me.  
I want to see you.  
I want to explore you and get to know your intimate depths.  
I want to roll with you, grow with you, learn with you.  
Take me on a wild adventure with you.  
Show me things I have never seen and I will do things I have never done.  

May I find kindness in you.  
And peace.  
Happiness that explodes from my soul.  

And when we are done, may I realize that it was in me all along- you just helped me discover it.  

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

hope, a poem

the days are brighter
the days seem lighter
the possibilities are bigger
and more inviting

i feel lighter
like anything is possible

really, my days will not change much
work, home, children, repeat
but the bright, vast openness of the future
is inviting
and invigorating

i can do anything
i can go anywhere
i can touch the vast reaches of space
when they seemed so closed off to me before
anything is possible

i am excited
and nervous
but mostly excited

this is my day
i can do anything
i want to do everything
i want to do it alone
for me

this feeling
this bright glittery feeling
it lights my insides on fire
like eating a hundred lightening bugs
a little bit fluttery
a little bit sick
a lot excited

i can’t wait to see what’s comes next

Friday, December 11, 2015

depression- a plea for sleep, a poem

i just want to sleep

i know that’s not the healthy thing to do
but it’s what i want

i want to curl up in my bed
pull the blanket over my head
and sleep until the sorrow is gone

my eyelids are so heavy
my shoulders feel the physical weight of my problems
my hips and back ache

the muscles in my face don’t seem to be working
i can’t use them to smile
or tell you what i need
sometimes they twist into a scowl that i’m not conscious of making

i need to do things
i just can’t make myself
i can’t will myself into acting normal
because i don’t feel normal
i feel like i’m drowning
under a barrage of attack waves
never catching my breath
i just want to let them lull me peacefully to sleep

i don’t want to talk
i can’t even listen
just give me peace
let me sleep

Wednesday, December 9, 2015


It’s not even that I wasn’t expecting it.  It’s that I was, but then I let my guard down.  I believed you when you said you were changing.  And maybe this is a fluke.  An oversight.  But it’s doing nothing except reminding me that this is really over.  We are really done.  

I don’t trust you.  I don’t trust you to take care of me and my emotions.  I don’t trust that you will ever let me be as important to you as you.  

I want to walk around with my heart in my hands, reveling in the sunshine.  You taught me to build walls.  That people are careless.  That I’m too easily hurt.  You taught me to hide.

I want to live in a place where I can be free.  Free to experience sunshine and happiness- even in the rain.  I want to live in a place free from you.  And the doubt, and fear, and indecision.  

When I love again, it will be someone who doesn’t require me to build walls.  To doubt myself.  To live in fear.  It will be someone who embraces my uniqueness and celebrates my oddities.  When I love again, it will be like stepping into the sun.  It will be warm and bright and seep into every tiny unloved crevice I’ve hidden from the world.  It will consume me.  And I’ll be a better person for it.  

I don’t hate you.  You gave what you could and I, in return, did the same.  We were like two puzzle pieces fighting to fit together by shaving off pieces of ourselves and never feeling whole.  It was never enough.  Never the right fit.  And all that we’re doing is hurting ourselves and each other.  We need to stop.  We need to say-


Tuesday, December 8, 2015

seasons, a poem

i want to smell the summer with you
and watch it float away

i want to taste the fall with you
and listen to the leaves under our feet

i want to hold you in the winter
so you can keep the chill away

i want to imagine with you in the spring
all the new things and new beginnings

i want to discover you
discovering me
for seasons upon seasons

of dreams, a poem

little goats
and chickens

vegetable garden with tomatoes and zucchini
cucumber and beans
pumpkins, large and ripe

wait for me
i’m not ready yet

big old house
with an extra large kitchen
for making memories
and pie

wait for me

the acres of trees
and the hidden alcove of solitude
the golden leaves
with the sweet smell of rot

cozy nook
an overstuffed chair and novel
the smell of old paper and ink

wait for me

i can see you
in my mind
in my heart
i know you’re out there
my haven

please wait for me

i can’t see the path
that leads to you
but i’m searching
along the way
i plan to find myself as well

in sorrow, a poem

i’m sorry

for not loving you enough
for keeping myself hidden from you
for pretending for so long

i’m sorry i didn’t tell you
i’m sorry lied
i’m sorry i let you believe
in a person who never was

you deserve someone who lights up
like the moon
not someone wishing to be a star
billions of miles away

i wish i could learn
how to be okay not being alone
i’m not ready yet
i still need

i took the love you offered
and ran away with it
it made me feel safe
and normal

i took what you gave never asking for more
but i needed more
and so did you

the love we shared was small
and fragile
like the tiniest of candles held up to the wind

you deserve big
take your tiny flame
add it to another tiny flame
give it something to burn
make it big
make it bright
just make it

Monday, December 7, 2015

in fear, a poem

i am scared

that’s not new
I’m always scared

every decision I make comes from a place of fear-
what will people think?
what will be safest?
will the people I love be treated differently because of this decision?

I don’t make choices for me
I don’t choose me

I want to
I want to choose you
for me
I want to crawl inside of you and hold you until the hurt is gone
I want to know you
I want to see that sneaky smile and watch your eyes twinkle
I want you

but I’m not ready
I’m not ready for you
I’m not even ready for me
I am a mess
you deserve much more than a mess

I want to bring you the best me
but I’m in pieces
the slightest breeze will blow me away
I am terrified

I want to show you that I’m strong
I want to be strong

I hurt you
I was careless
I didn’t think
I was making up fairy tales in my mind
where knights and maidens meet
and everyone is perfect
and happy
but I’m flawed
so very very flawed
and I can’t get past my failings
to tell you

I’m sorry

I’m sorry I hurt you
I’m sorry I wasn’t ready for you
I’m sorry I couldn’t be
because I really wanted to be

even now I’m scared
to tell you
that I want you
that I don’t care what people will think
that some risks are worth taking
that you could be the best risk I ever took
that you ignite me

even now when I doubt there is anything left to lose
I still can’t tell you
because I care what you will think
I don’t want to hurt you
and I don’t want you to hurt me

I’m still scared

and this fear is killing me

maybe, a poem of wishing

you are slow to speak
careful, precise
your words are measured where mine are hasty

you are now and disdain the future
and the wait
I am frozen
the future is all I have

you are like a soft breeze in a meadow
gently lifting up the flowers as you pass

I am like a puppy
running headlong into the meadow to soak up all of it’s splendor
I don’t see the mistakes I make in my haste
the flowers I trample

I just want to be happy right now

you are slow
and patient
and warm

but maybe I’m wrong
maybe you are the dragon
and your warm summer breeze is fire and death
maybe the path you leave is scorched
and people quake when they know you approach

maybe I am just a bird
trying to fly higher
and closer to the sun

maybe the heat I feel will kill me

maybe I don’t care

my name, a poem

you never even said my name

you opened my eyes and made me come alive again
after I thought I was too withered to be revived

you gave to me a spark of wonder
and curiosity
and a thirst for things I had never known

but I’ve never heard my name come across your lips
never had it whispered in a moment of passion
never known if it would sound like a song
or a curse

something shifted-
did I open up too far
too fast
did I scare you with my exuberance

I am so tired of living in a shell
closed off from the world
afraid that if I let myself shine
I would blind someone
and they would run away

I’m not sorry
I am so much more now
I don’t want to go back into the emptiness
and the fear
I am so much happier out here 
in the sunlight

but I wish I could have heard you say my name