Goodbye

It’s not even that I wasn’t expecting it.  It’s that I was, but then I let my guard down.  I believed you when you said you were changing.  And maybe this is a fluke.  An oversight.  But it’s doing nothing except reminding me that this is really over.  We are really done.  

I don’t trust you.  I don’t trust you to take care of me and my emotions.  I don’t trust that you will ever let me be as important to you as you.  

I want to walk around with my heart in my hands, reveling in the sunshine.  You taught me to build walls.  That people are careless.  That I’m too easily hurt.  You taught me to hide.

I want to live in a place where I can be free.  Free to experience sunshine and happiness- even in the rain.  I want to live in a place free from you.  And the doubt, and fear, and indecision.  

When I love again, it will be someone who doesn’t require me to build walls.  To doubt myself.  To live in fear.  It will be someone who embraces my uniqueness and celebrates my oddities.  When I love again, it will be like stepping into the sun.  It will be warm and bright and seep into every tiny unloved crevice I’ve hidden from the world.  It will consume me.  And I’ll be a better person for it.  

I don’t hate you.  You gave what you could and I, in return, did the same.  We were like two puzzle pieces fighting to fit together by shaving off pieces of ourselves and never feeling whole.  It was never enough.  Never the right fit.  And all that we’re doing is hurting ourselves and each other.  We need to stop.  We need to say-

Goodbye.