New Year

I am walking into this new year and greeting it like a new lover.  
I am nervous, a little apprehensive, and so excited.
 
My fingers are trembling upon the buttons of my shirt.  
I want you to see me, to touch me, to start.  
I don’t know what you will think when you see me, but I want you to see me.  
I want to see you.  
I want to explore you and get to know your intimate depths.  
I want to roll with you, grow with you, learn with you.  
Take me on a wild adventure with you.  
Show me things I have never seen and I will do things I have never done.  

May I find kindness in you.  
And peace.  
Happiness that explodes from my soul.  

And when we are done, may I realize that it was in me all along- you just helped me discover it.  

hope, a poem

the days are brighter

the days seem lighter

the possibilities are bigger

and more inviting

i feel lighter

freer

like anything is possible

really, my days will not change much

work, home, children, repeat

but the bright, vast openness of the future

is inviting

and invigorating

i can do anything

i can go anywhere

i can touch the vast reaches of space

when they seemed so closed off to me before

anything is possible

i am excited

and nervous

but mostly excited

this is my day

i can do anything

i want to do everything

i want to do it alone

for me

this feeling

this bright glittery feeling

it lights my insides on fire

like eating a hundred lightening bugs

a little bit fluttery

a little bit sick

a lot excited

i can’t wait to see what’s comes next

depression- a plea for sleep, a poem

i just want to sleep

i know that’s not the healthy thing to do

but it’s what i want

i want to curl up in my bed

pull the blanket over my head

and sleep until the sorrow is gone

my eyelids are so heavy

my shoulders feel the physical weight of my problems

my hips and back ache

the muscles in my face don’t seem to be working

i can’t use them to smile

or tell you what i need

sometimes they twist into a scowl that i’m not conscious of making

i need to do things

i just can’t make myself

i can’t will myself into acting normal

because i don’t feel normal

i feel like i’m drowning

under a barrage of attack waves

never catching my breath

i just want to let them lull me peacefully to sleep

i don’t want to talk

i can’t even listen

just give me peace

let me sleep

Goodbye

It’s not even that I wasn’t expecting it.  It’s that I was, but then I let my guard down.  I believed you when you said you were changing.  And maybe this is a fluke.  An oversight.  But it’s doing nothing except reminding me that this is really over.  We are really done.  

I don’t trust you.  I don’t trust you to take care of me and my emotions.  I don’t trust that you will ever let me be as important to you as you.  

I want to walk around with my heart in my hands, reveling in the sunshine.  You taught me to build walls.  That people are careless.  That I’m too easily hurt.  You taught me to hide.

I want to live in a place where I can be free.  Free to experience sunshine and happiness- even in the rain.  I want to live in a place free from you.  And the doubt, and fear, and indecision.  

When I love again, it will be someone who doesn’t require me to build walls.  To doubt myself.  To live in fear.  It will be someone who embraces my uniqueness and celebrates my oddities.  When I love again, it will be like stepping into the sun.  It will be warm and bright and seep into every tiny unloved crevice I’ve hidden from the world.  It will consume me.  And I’ll be a better person for it.  

I don’t hate you.  You gave what you could and I, in return, did the same.  We were like two puzzle pieces fighting to fit together by shaving off pieces of ourselves and never feeling whole.  It was never enough.  Never the right fit.  And all that we’re doing is hurting ourselves and each other.  We need to stop.  We need to say-

Goodbye.

seasons, a poem

i want to smell the summer with you

and watch it float away

i want to taste the fall with you

and listen to the leaves under our feet

i want to hold you in the winter

so you can keep the chill away

i want to imagine with you in the spring

all the new things and new beginnings

i want to discover you

discovering me

for seasons upon seasons

of dreams, a poem

little goats

and chickens

vegetable garden with tomatoes and zucchini

cucumber and beans

pumpkins, large and ripe

wait for me

i’m not ready yet

big old house

with an extra large kitchen

for making memories

and pie

wait for me

the acres of trees

and the hidden alcove of solitude

the golden leaves

with the sweet smell of rot

cozy nook

an overstuffed chair and novel

the smell of old paper and ink

wait for me

i can see you

in my mind

in my heart

i know you’re out there

my haven

please wait for me

i can’t see the path

that leads to you

but i’m searching

along the way

i plan to find myself as well

in sorrow, a poem

i’m sorry

for not loving you enough

for keeping myself hidden from you

for pretending for so long

i’m sorry i didn’t tell you

i’m sorry lied

i’m sorry i let you believe

in a person who never was

you deserve someone who lights up

like the moon

not someone wishing to be a star

billions of miles away

i wish i could learn

how to be okay not being alone

i’m not ready yet

i still need

space

i took the love you offered

and ran away with it

it made me feel safe

and normal

i took what you gave never asking for more

but i needed more

and so did you

the love we shared was small

and fragile

like the tiniest of candles held up to the wind

you deserve big

take your tiny flame

add it to another tiny flame

give it something to burn

make it big

make it bright

just make it

in fear, a poem

i am scared

that’s not new

I’m always scared

every decision I make comes from a place of fear-

what will people think?

what will be safest?

will the people I love be treated differently because of this decision?

I don’t make choices for me

I don’t choose me

I want to

I want to choose you

for me

I want to crawl inside of you and hold you until the hurt is gone

I want to know you

I want to see that sneaky smile and watch your eyes twinkle

I want you

but I’m not ready

I’m not ready for you

I’m not even ready for me

I am a mess

you deserve much more than a mess

I want to bring you the best me

but I’m in pieces

the slightest breeze will blow me away

I am terrified

I want to show you that I’m strong

I want to be strong

I hurt you

I was careless

I didn’t think

I was making up fairy tales in my mind

where knights and maidens meet

and everyone is perfect

and happy

but I’m flawed

so very very flawed

and I can’t get past my failings

to tell you

I’m sorry

I’m sorry I hurt you

I’m sorry I wasn’t ready for you

I’m sorry I couldn’t be

because I really wanted to be

even now I’m scared

to tell you

that I want you

that I don’t care what people will think

that some risks are worth taking

that you could be the best risk I ever took

that you ignite me

even now when I doubt there is anything left to lose

I still can’t tell you

because I care what you will think

I don’t want to hurt you

and I don’t want you to hurt me

I’m still scared

and this fear is killing me

maybe, a poem of wishing

you are slow to speak

careful, precise

your words are measured where mine are hasty

you are now and disdain the future

and the wait

I am frozen

the future is all I have

you are like a soft breeze in a meadow

gently lifting up the flowers as you pass

I am like a puppy

running headlong into the meadow to soak up all of it’s splendor

I don’t see the mistakes I make in my haste

the flowers I trample

I just want to be happy right now

you are slow

and patient

and warm

but maybe I’m wrong

maybe you are the dragon

and your warm summer breeze is fire and death

maybe the path you leave is scorched

and people quake when they know you approach

maybe I am just a bird

trying to fly higher

and closer to the sun

maybe the heat I feel will kill me

maybe I don’t care

my name, a poem

you never even said my name

you opened my eyes and made me come alive again

after I thought I was too withered to be revived

you gave to me a spark of wonder

and curiosity

and a thirst for things I had never known

but I’ve never heard my name come across your lips

never had it whispered in a moment of passion

never known if it would sound like a song

or a curse

something shifted-

did I open up too far

too fast

did I scare you with my exuberance

I am so tired of living in a shell

closed off from the world

afraid that if I let myself shine

I would blind someone

and they would run away

I’m not sorry

I am so much more now

I don’t want to go back into the emptiness

and the fear

I am so much happier out here 

in the sunlight

but I wish I could have heard you say my name