In The Fog

You were right you know. It wasn't love. It was infatuation. 

The thing about infatuation is that it fades. Especially when left unattended. 

I find myself incredibly angry with you. And when I let myself feel that way, I end up getting getting mad at myself. Am I asking too much?  Should I be giving you more space to process things at your own pace?  

Yes, I get that I come with a lot. I have a big mind and a big heart and a big family. I don't want you to be afraid of these things, I want you to be excited that I want you here to experience these things with me. I don't want you for your money or your body or the restaurants we go to. I want you for your smile and your laugh and the way you fill up a room with your presence. 

You're not doing me a favor by being with me. I genuinely like you, but if you aren't feeling the same way, please don't feel obligated to stay here. I don't want to be your fallback. Your safety. Your obligation. I deserve so much more. And I'm not afraid to ask for it. It's okay to take your time deciding, but once you decide, you need to act. Don't leave me waiting in the fog for the beam of light that will never come. I can find my own way home. 

i want to love you, a poem

i want to love you

passionately

madly

deeply

but i’m scared

scared you won’t feel the same

scared you won’t accept my offering

scared of standing in the rain, cold, alone

you make me feel light

and warm

and safe

i feel beautiful when you look at me

i think you’re scared

scared of losing the control you’ve carefully cultivated over the years

the control you needed to have when you were younger

to protect yourself

scared that if you let me see inside to the hurting parts, i’ll run away

i think this, because it’s exactly how i feel

i don’t want you to see the dark parts of me

the hidden parts

i don’t want you to turn away in horror

but i want to show you

slowly

one peek at a time

i’ll show you mine if you show me yours

i won’t judge you

i won’t make you feel like a monster

i only ask that you do the same for me

Fear is...

Fear is, by far, one of the most unpleasant emotions to experience. It has the power to stop us in our tracks and completely redirect the course of our lives. 

Fear is crippling. It is paralyzing. It is more than unnerving, it can be detrimental to our entire being. 

But if we allow fear to enter and we examine it, we can thank it for its lesson and ask it to leave. 

So what is it that I'm afraid of today?  Of success in my business?  Of failure in my business?  Am I afraid of being alone?  Afraid of what people will think of me and say about me?  

Yes. To all of that. So what lessons can I take to help myself grow and leave the fear behind?  Well, I'm still working on that. 

I feel like this is the thing that will radically change how people see me and think of me. I could be more scared, but I'm choosing to let this shatter the image I've imagined that people had of me and that I've tried to live up to, and let my real, authentic self shine through. The one I can be everyday. The one I've always been, but have been too afraid to show people. This is my time. And it's terrifying, but it is going to be so worth it.