Tuesday, January 10, 2017

I love you, you know

I do. How can I not? You are kind. You are patient. You are fun to be around. You were present for one of the hardest years of my life. You are easy and simple. 

I look at our son and see your eyes, your chin, and the hint of your dimple. But his eyes are not your eyes. They are not guarded and cautious. They are filled with adoration for me. I am his world and he delights in me. 

I will always love you and think of you fondly when I look at him. Our spark of magic burned so bright and so hot that it culminated in this tiny little being and it will live on. But you? You will move. I will move on. We will always know each other but not like we are today. Today we are drawing to a close. And I love you. 

Sometimes I wish we had more time together. Another year, another five years. I don't think I would ever grow tired of being with you. But I don't know that I would grow staying with you now. 

You are good. You're a good man. You are steady and stoic and you balance me. But I don't think you're ready for me yet. Not all of me. And I don't think I can carry on only doling out bits of myself from time to time and hoping you can fit together all the tiny pieces and see me. Maybe I'm not ready for you to see. 

But right now, today, I love you. I think you should know. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Touch Me

Kiss my forehead when you wake up.
Put your arm around my waist when you stand next to me.
Hold my hand when we walk together.
Rub my shoulders and kiss my neck while I'm washing dishes.
Scratch my back while we're watching tv.

I will run my fingers along the underside of your arm, and rub the back of your head.
I will wrap my arms around your waist from behind.
I will rub your shoulders and your neck.
I will hold your hand in public; I will let the world know that you are mine and you are important to me.
I will kiss your cheek when I have shocked you and I want to make you smile.

Touch me so that I feel connected to you.
Touch me outside of the bedroom so I don't feel like only a sexual object.
Touch me in public.
Touch me when we are alone.
Touch me all day long and you will find that the nights are warmer.

Thursday, August 18, 2016


Her eyes are a little too big, but they see the whole world.
Her nose fits hers face, but protrudes just a little much.
Her lips are full and sensuous, but a little too wide to be fashionable.
Her skin is a little too pale with too many freckles.
Her mouth is a little too big, and she talks just a little too much.
Her laugh is a little too loud, but it is jovial and captivating.
Her heart is a little too big and has a propensity for getting broken, but she shares it all the time anyway.
She cares a little too much, loves a little deeply, hurts a little too often, but to her it is all worth it. Because she would rather feel too much, than not enough.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Do I Miss You?

I'm getting really sick and tired of missing you. I think that if I could just pinpoint the reason I miss you, I could let you go. 

Was it the way you made me feel?  Because most of the time it wasn't good. 

Was it the way you helped me and made my days easier? Because I don't recall that. 

You didn't make me feel safe to express my emotions. You didn't make me feel cared for or respected. You didn't make me feel valuable. 

But you were there. When I was really low, you were there. I'm low right now and the only person I have to lean on is our thirteen year old daughter. And I can't. Because she's a child. I need someone right now and I'm all alone. I think that's why I miss you. Because even though you were kind of a shit, you were my shit. And you were here most of the time. So I think what I have to really ask myself is: do I miss having someone around for me in my times of need, or do I miss YOU?

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

I Would Choose You

I would choose you. Right now. Today. A hundred times, over and over; I would choose you. 

When I get to the end of my life, I don't want to look back and regret that you never knew what I felt for you. Because when you think someone is special, they should know. Everyone deserves to know that someone thinks they're amazing. 

But right now, today, I'm not ready to hear that you wouldn't choose me, too. So I'll keep it to myself. Just for now. But I have every intention of telling you someday. That I think you're amazing. That I love the way I feel in your arms. That my heart beats a little faster when I hear your voice. That if it were up to me, I would choose you and it would be me and you against the world. Because I think we could really pull it off. 

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Happy Mother's Day

You've carried a child in your body. You met your child after she was born. You've loved a child for a moment and sent him home. You said goodbye way too soon. 

You have lost sleep, wiped noses and bums, and nursed her through illness. You have seen first steps, first days of school, and first crushes. You have prepared macaroni and cheese one thousand three hundred and twenty seven times. This year. 

You have read the same book over and over. You have remembered the formula to find the hypotenuse. You have poured over books and articles. You have sat through countless doctor's appointments. You have made the hard choice to try medication.  You have radically altered your family's diet to keep someone healthy. 

You have helped her with her veil. You have held his babies in your arms. You have helped them pack to move across the country. You have mastered the art of Skype. 

For all of you, be you aunts or mothers, grandmothers or great grandmothers, you have impacted lives. You are carried in someone's heart. You have changed the world. 

Happy Mother's Day.

Friday, May 6, 2016

To My Future Love

I don't know your name or what you look like.  I don't know where you live or how many years you have lived on this planet in this lifetime.  I don't know if I will be your first love or if you have had your heart broken before.  I don't know if you've loved deeply and fully, but I know you will when you're ready.

I do know that your smile reaches all the way to your eyes and your laughter lights up the room.  This will draw me to you.  I love to laugh.  We will laugh a lot together.

I know that you will have your own ideas and opinions and that sometimes we will not agree on things.  I like that you are respectful in your discourses and your mind is open and willing to hear someone else's perspective.

I know that you are wildly passionate about many things.  Our passions might not always be the same, but I am glad you love certain things as deeply as you do.  I want wild passion in our lives.

I don't know if you have children of your own, but I do know that you enjoy children.  You understand that childhood is fleeting and the sound of children's laughter is the most magical sound in the world.

I know that you have good friends.  People that you share your secrets with, and in turn, you help carry theirs.  Good friends like this are hard to find, and I am so glad you have them in your life.

I don't know if you have travelled more than I have, but I know you understand the feeling of wanderlust.  The desire to explore hidden corners of this world and experience new things.  I know that we will enjoy traveling together and discovering new moments that take our breath away.

My future love, I don't know how long you will be in my life.  If you are the love of a moment or the love of the rest of my lifetime.  I do know, that when the time is right, I will be very excited to meet you.  I will be excited to learn your name and what you look like.  To learn where you've lived and hear about some of the years you have been on his planet in this lifetime.  I will be excited to love you and laugh with you; to discover your passions; to lose my breath.