In The Fog

You were right you know. It wasn't love. It was infatuation. 

The thing about infatuation is that it fades. Especially when left unattended. 

I find myself incredibly angry with you. And when I let myself feel that way, I end up getting getting mad at myself. Am I asking too much?  Should I be giving you more space to process things at your own pace?  

Yes, I get that I come with a lot. I have a big mind and a big heart and a big family. I don't want you to be afraid of these things, I want you to be excited that I want you here to experience these things with me. I don't want you for your money or your body or the restaurants we go to. I want you for your smile and your laugh and the way you fill up a room with your presence. 

You're not doing me a favor by being with me. I genuinely like you, but if you aren't feeling the same way, please don't feel obligated to stay here. I don't want to be your fallback. Your safety. Your obligation. I deserve so much more. And I'm not afraid to ask for it. It's okay to take your time deciding, but once you decide, you need to act. Don't leave me waiting in the fog for the beam of light that will never come. I can find my own way home. 

i want to love you, a poem

i want to love you

passionately

madly

deeply

but i’m scared

scared you won’t feel the same

scared you won’t accept my offering

scared of standing in the rain, cold, alone

you make me feel light

and warm

and safe

i feel beautiful when you look at me

i think you’re scared

scared of losing the control you’ve carefully cultivated over the years

the control you needed to have when you were younger

to protect yourself

scared that if you let me see inside to the hurting parts, i’ll run away

i think this, because it’s exactly how i feel

i don’t want you to see the dark parts of me

the hidden parts

i don’t want you to turn away in horror

but i want to show you

slowly

one peek at a time

i’ll show you mine if you show me yours

i won’t judge you

i won’t make you feel like a monster

i only ask that you do the same for me

Fear is...

Fear is, by far, one of the most unpleasant emotions to experience. It has the power to stop us in our tracks and completely redirect the course of our lives. 

Fear is crippling. It is paralyzing. It is more than unnerving, it can be detrimental to our entire being. 

But if we allow fear to enter and we examine it, we can thank it for its lesson and ask it to leave. 

So what is it that I'm afraid of today?  Of success in my business?  Of failure in my business?  Am I afraid of being alone?  Afraid of what people will think of me and say about me?  

Yes. To all of that. So what lessons can I take to help myself grow and leave the fear behind?  Well, I'm still working on that. 

I feel like this is the thing that will radically change how people see me and think of me. I could be more scared, but I'm choosing to let this shatter the image I've imagined that people had of me and that I've tried to live up to, and let my real, authentic self shine through. The one I can be everyday. The one I've always been, but have been too afraid to show people. This is my time. And it's terrifying, but it is going to be so worth it. 

What I Want

I want someone who gives me the freedom to be me.  You don’t have to understand all the bits and pieces of me, just give me the space to explore myself and discover what I love and what I want to change.  Love me because I’m changing.  Constantly.  Daily.  

I want someone who will stand in the rain with me and marvel.  Listen to the differences in the sounds when it hits the windows of the house, or the roof, or the top of the car.  Put your arms around me and your head over mine to try to keep the raindrops from falling into my eyes.  

I want someone with a hunger for knowledge.  Who wants to learn new things solely for the satisfaction of knowing.  Someone who will share knowledge and information without being proud or haughty.  Who delights in discovering how things work and why.  

I want someone who tells me I’m beautiful every day.  Someone who says it when I’m dressed to the nines for a night on the town, and when I’m in my ugliest sweatpants with smeared makeup and my hair a mess.  Someone who says it when we are naked and sweaty together, and when I’ve been up all night with a sick child.  

I want someone to go on adventures with. Someone who knows that this world is so much bigger than the corners we have known. Someone who wants to see the crevices heretofore unknown without prejudice or judgement. Someone who delights in the new and the unexpected and welcomes it as part of the understanding of life.

I want someone to open doors for me. Not because it is expected or a socially mandated requirement. But because you want to stay by my side the entire walk up to my side of the car or because your arms are longer and you like the way I duck underneath them to walk in the door with you.

I want someone who sees the unique, magical creature that I am and considers themselves blessed to be part of my life.  Someone who is also magically unique and slowly opens the doors to his soul so I may peek and marvel at all the bits that make him him.  

Don’t try to put me in a box that will neatly fit into your life.  It won’t work.  What I want is not neat or tidy.  It will explode all over you and me and everything we know.  It will touch us in places we thought no one would ever see.  What I want is big and bright and burns like the sun.   What I want will change me.  And you.  Irrevocably.  

Let's Go Slow

Let’s go slow.

I know this may seem silly since I invited you into my bed after having known you for only five days, but let’s go slow.  

What we have right now is the beginning.  The beginning of something magical.  

Let’s revel in the newness of it.

We may not have many more beginnings again, so let’s go slow.  

My hips fit perfectly into the crook of yours while we sleep.  Let’s enjoy that.

My head fits perfectly under your chin when we dance.  Let’s enjoy that, too.

Your lips fit perfectly in between mine when we kiss.  I definitely enjoy that.

I love your eyes,

your laugh,

the tilt of your chin.

You love my eyes,

my lips,

the way I surprise you.

Let’s keep loving these things.  

The small parts of ourselves and each other.  

Eventually we will love the sum of all the parts.

But not yet.

Once we love it all, there is no going back.  No slowing down.  

Once we love all of the great things, we are forced to see some of the not-so-great things.  

I know they’re there.  I’m not scared of yours.  I’m scared of showing you mine.  And maybe you already know they’re there, too.  But I’ve been hurt.  I’m not ready for you to see.  I’m not ready to know that you see.  

So let’s go slow.  Let’s take it one tender kiss at a time.  One long, powerful, soul quenching kiss. One earth shattering fuck.  Let me hear you say my name while I’m shaking in your arms.  One at a time.  For today, and tomorrow, and however many tomorrows we have after that.  

You're Not In Love with Me

You’re not in love with me.  

You’re in love with the concept of who I used to be.  

When things were easy.  When you got your way.  

You want the meek little girl I used to be.  Who never challenged you.

You want someone who will adore you.  Who will sit back and let you be the center of the universe.  

You want someone to tend your house and raise your kids.

You want someone for you.  

You do not want me.

I want someone who challenges me to be better.  Not more pretentious.  

I want someone who makes me laugh with them, not at someone else.

I want someone who delights in my children, even when they are screaming and fighting and generally acting crazy.  Because that’s who kids are and what they do.  Not someone easily irritated at the noise and chaos.  

I want someone who wants to change the world with me.

I want someone who delights when I pour into them, not someone who expects it and gets mad when I don’t do it.  

I want someone for me.  

I do not want you.  

So where do we go from here?  

We walk away.  

Gently.

Peacefully, I hope.  

Acknowledging that we are not the right person for the other and wishing each other well.

We won’t linger on our hurt feelings, because feelings fade.  Especially when we don’t tend the fire.  

We will stop trying to change each other and recognize that the other is a good person, just not the right person.  And that’s okay.  

I wish you happiness.  And peace.  And it’s okay if it takes a while for you to find it.  The journey is the place where we grow.  

love me in the quiet, a poem

love me in the quiet

with my makeup off

and my hair a mess

love me in my sweats

curled up with a book

in someone else’s world

love me when i’m crying

when my heart is breaking for someone else

when it hurts so much i can’t breathe

love me when i’m angry

filled with righteous indignation

or even just petty spite

love me when i’m happy

with the laughter bubbling over

and a twinkle in my eye

love me in the bedroom

with your head on my chest

trying something new

love me in the kitchen

where i dance and sing

where i am the master of culinary creation

love me when i’m sleeping

teeth brushed, face washed

my body pressed against yours

love me when i’m busy

getting the kids ready for school

running ceaseless errands

love me in the quiet

when everything around us has stopped

when it is just you and me

when the day is filled with an abundance of nothing that turns into everything

when everything else fades away

love me there