I loved you once.

I fell in love once. It was easy and fast and light. It was absolutely the best feeling in the world. But it was fleeting. 

Like a little flame on a candle without something more substantial to grab on to. No large piece of wood to burn. And without the nurturing, the tenderness, and the care, it cannot grow. 

Trying to drag it out and make it burn longer is exhausting. The wax is disappearing. 

I loved you once, just for a minute. It's okay to let that minute be the only one. 

Jigsaw Pieces

You and I were two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that never quite fit. You were the sky, and I was the earth. Always drawn to each other but never meant to touch. 

In our desire to be closer and fit better, we kept whittling away pieces of ourselves. And sometimes each other. Cutting and cutting the bits of ourselves that initially drew us together. Until we were merely shapeless prices, devoid of personality and sparkle, mostly fitting next to each other but never truly together. 

I miss you sometimes. Like the flower misses the sun. Like a tree blown by the wind, reaching ever upward but always failing to touch. 

I'm regrowing the pieces I cut off for you. It is so painful. I'm watching you regrow your pieces as well. Ultimately, my wish for you is to be whole. To find another bit of sparkling sky where you fit. Without having to cut away the bits of you that make you you. And I wish the same for me; to find a bit of fragrant earth with fertile ground where tangible things can grow and thrive. 

Social Media Voyeurism

I think your brain is sexy. I love your use of proper grammar and long words, such as "etymological". 

Even though you are far away and our paths seemed doomed to never cross again, I am enjoying the momentary glimpses into your life. 

You have captivated me since I was 14. I am grateful to know that you simply still exist, you are well, and you have grown into a person I am still very much drawn to.  

In The Fog

You were right you know. It wasn't love. It was infatuation. 

The thing about infatuation is that it fades. Especially when left unattended. 

I find myself incredibly angry with you. And when I let myself feel that way, I end up getting getting mad at myself. Am I asking too much?  Should I be giving you more space to process things at your own pace?  

Yes, I get that I come with a lot. I have a big mind and a big heart and a big family. I don't want you to be afraid of these things, I want you to be excited that I want you here to experience these things with me. I don't want you for your money or your body or the restaurants we go to. I want you for your smile and your laugh and the way you fill up a room with your presence. 

You're not doing me a favor by being with me. I genuinely like you, but if you aren't feeling the same way, please don't feel obligated to stay here. I don't want to be your fallback. Your safety. Your obligation. I deserve so much more. And I'm not afraid to ask for it. It's okay to take your time deciding, but once you decide, you need to act. Don't leave me waiting in the fog for the beam of light that will never come. I can find my own way home. 

i want to love you, a poem

i want to love you

passionately

madly

deeply

but i’m scared

scared you won’t feel the same

scared you won’t accept my offering

scared of standing in the rain, cold, alone

you make me feel light

and warm

and safe

i feel beautiful when you look at me

i think you’re scared

scared of losing the control you’ve carefully cultivated over the years

the control you needed to have when you were younger

to protect yourself

scared that if you let me see inside to the hurting parts, i’ll run away

i think this, because it’s exactly how i feel

i don’t want you to see the dark parts of me

the hidden parts

i don’t want you to turn away in horror

but i want to show you

slowly

one peek at a time

i’ll show you mine if you show me yours

i won’t judge you

i won’t make you feel like a monster

i only ask that you do the same for me

Fear is...

Fear is, by far, one of the most unpleasant emotions to experience. It has the power to stop us in our tracks and completely redirect the course of our lives. 

Fear is crippling. It is paralyzing. It is more than unnerving, it can be detrimental to our entire being. 

But if we allow fear to enter and we examine it, we can thank it for its lesson and ask it to leave. 

So what is it that I'm afraid of today?  Of success in my business?  Of failure in my business?  Am I afraid of being alone?  Afraid of what people will think of me and say about me?  

Yes. To all of that. So what lessons can I take to help myself grow and leave the fear behind?  Well, I'm still working on that. 

I feel like this is the thing that will radically change how people see me and think of me. I could be more scared, but I'm choosing to let this shatter the image I've imagined that people had of me and that I've tried to live up to, and let my real, authentic self shine through. The one I can be everyday. The one I've always been, but have been too afraid to show people. This is my time. And it's terrifying, but it is going to be so worth it. 

What I Want

I want someone who gives me the freedom to be me.  You don’t have to understand all the bits and pieces of me, just give me the space to explore myself and discover what I love and what I want to change.  Love me because I’m changing.  Constantly.  Daily.  

I want someone who will stand in the rain with me and marvel.  Listen to the differences in the sounds when it hits the windows of the house, or the roof, or the top of the car.  Put your arms around me and your head over mine to try to keep the raindrops from falling into my eyes.  

I want someone with a hunger for knowledge.  Who wants to learn new things solely for the satisfaction of knowing.  Someone who will share knowledge and information without being proud or haughty.  Who delights in discovering how things work and why.  

I want someone who tells me I’m beautiful every day.  Someone who says it when I’m dressed to the nines for a night on the town, and when I’m in my ugliest sweatpants with smeared makeup and my hair a mess.  Someone who says it when we are naked and sweaty together, and when I’ve been up all night with a sick child.  

I want someone to go on adventures with. Someone who knows that this world is so much bigger than the corners we have known. Someone who wants to see the crevices heretofore unknown without prejudice or judgement. Someone who delights in the new and the unexpected and welcomes it as part of the understanding of life.

I want someone to open doors for me. Not because it is expected or a socially mandated requirement. But because you want to stay by my side the entire walk up to my side of the car or because your arms are longer and you like the way I duck underneath them to walk in the door with you.

I want someone who sees the unique, magical creature that I am and considers themselves blessed to be part of my life.  Someone who is also magically unique and slowly opens the doors to his soul so I may peek and marvel at all the bits that make him him.  

Don’t try to put me in a box that will neatly fit into your life.  It won’t work.  What I want is not neat or tidy.  It will explode all over you and me and everything we know.  It will touch us in places we thought no one would ever see.  What I want is big and bright and burns like the sun.   What I want will change me.  And you.  Irrevocably.